First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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