I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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