I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
