I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
