how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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