I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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