I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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