I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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