I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
