You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
you had me at cake vodka
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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