If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
