First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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