omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
