I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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