not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You did what with his pubic hair?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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