my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
