OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
40s are totally the cure
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize