So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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