i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
