totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
