i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
operation have a gay friend backfired
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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