that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
