I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
