I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
