Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
