I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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