So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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