i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How naked do you want me to be?
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