At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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