She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My feet surprised me
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
