i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
