i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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