when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
