someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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