why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
