he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
