Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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