see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
