you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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