I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
