Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
