please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
