Im at strip club and am horny
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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