Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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