I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
We need to rekindle our bromance
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
