i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
