Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
