Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
