Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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