Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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