I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
