So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
