Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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