I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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