Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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