The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize