piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You smell like stripper and shame
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
