did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
