Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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