just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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